I was talking to my mom a little bit ago and she asked when everything shifted for me. When did the transition happen from being scared out of my mind to get pregnant to spending all my money on pregnancy tests because I was so excited to get pregnant again. The questions took me by surprise because the change was sudden and so dramatic yet I really had never questioned it. As I started to think about it, it reminded me of last February. We had just moved from California to Utah on a whim. Ok not a whim but a feeling. We felt we needed to be closer to parents for when we would get pregnant again. We knew we couldn’t do it on our own. Well once all the bags were unpacked and we were settled in, the reality hit me hard. I was still terrified to get pregnant. Moving did not make those feelings go away and, as much as I wanted my daughter to have a sibling, I did not want to go through all of that. But sometime between therapy and doctor appointments all of that changed. Something clicked inside of me. But what? and when? and how? And as I looked back I realized it went all back to that moment, when something literally clicked. The camera.
When I stood in front of that camera that day with my makeup off, for the first time I was facing the wall of my vulnerability and fear. Then she took the photo, and I realized I could. I could face it and I could live through facing it. The wall of shame and fear came crashing down and love was on the other side. Brene Brown is right: vulnerability is the birth place of all good things. My vulnerability was getting pregnant again. When I finally faced the complete hardship of what I had gone through with a tangible experience of getting my photo done and writing my story, I felt like the fear had left. I wasn’t afraid to love and loose again. Taking away shame helped me to face and to accept my vulnerability. It helped me to love my unborn .