Nausea, exhaustion, a twist of irritability, and continual gnawing anxiety. That's certainly sums up the last few months of my life. All the while Maylea's favorite phrase: "Brave like a Buffalo" has been running through my mind. Why am I feeling this way? You might have guessed it--I'm preggers. Again. For the 4th time.
The news that I was pregnant this time came less with excitement, and more with uncertainty and vulnerability. After telling my hubby I couldn't help but ask: "Are you ready to do this again?" Up to this point, we've got 1 for 3, with the latest pregnancy ending in a miscarriage followed by D&C. It was so hard sitting in the ultrasound room and hear those awful words again: " I am sorry but there is no heart beat."
Despite my extreme hesitancy, my husband and little girl have embraced this new possibility with excitement. May (now 4) has been praying for a baby for months and has made it part of her morning routine to ask if I'm am pregnant, and I've taken my motherly liberty to lie and say no. To make sure things were a little more likely to work out we waited until Christmas to finally give her the news. And when we finally did tell her, and her reaction was priceless. Her mouth hung open and with an awe-struck, sweet little tone she inquired: "Heavenly Father sent her down?!" She tenderly reached over to feel my tummy and started talking to the baby. "Hi baby sister.....Hi baby sister..." repeatedly. Then her sweetness erupted into joy: "I"m gonna be a big sister!" Seriously. Best Christmas gift ever.
Now, I've gotta say, though we've had sweet moments like this lil' christmas gift, being pregnant has been anything but sweet. I know there are lots of women out there who bask in each day of infant building, blissfully caressing their bellys each day....enjoying and sharing proggie photos. feeling connected to their little bundles of joy. Yeah, that's not me. And because of that, I have definitely questioned whether or not I really want to blog about this experience here on Hózhó. BUT....I. must. acknowledge--its experiences like THIS ONE that are the precise reason this Hózhó project exists - to acknowledge, pain, uncertainty, vulberability, and truth - truth that maybe this baby won't make it all the way like two others before... but if that's the case, then bring it! I'm here standing vulnerable, and ready to take the hit if it comes. I'm not going to sacrifice joy to the pain that might come if the desired outcome doesn't happen. So I've decided that throughout this journey, even though it's so difficult for me, even though it's risky, and I'm filled with anxiety, I will share my REAL THOUGHTS. Joyful, Painful, Vulnerable, Stupid, or Blissful, or Anxious as they may be. So... with that preface. here are some of my thoughts recently...
Yesterday we went in for a mandatory high-risk ultrasound. At first I felt fine, even a little excited since we were about to find out the gender of our little one. But as I started to walk into the office I felt a looming doom. Frankly, as I often do, I expected bad news: I thought I would here: "yep, no heart beat." that awful phrase that pulls the earth from underneath me, and seems to swallow me whole. But as I was full of fear and ready to hear the worst.... I didn't. That awful day-dream didn't come true. For now, our little one is healthy! What a blessing! I am delighted to share how excited and blessed I feel to be pregnant with this little one. I want child to get here so bad that it scares me. That's the hardest part--allowing myself to experience true connection. I am getting better at it but not quite there. Ultrasounds are the hardest. Anyway - back to the good.... Not only were we surprised with how healthy our baby is, we also learned that May isn't having a little sister after-all. That's right. It's a boy! Here's the little lug now:
So he is the reason I have been MIA recently, pretty good reason don't you think? Well here's too another wonderful, difficult and different Hózhó experience. Life is a crazy, beautiful thing isn't it?