An Update

I promised I would be raw and honest this pregnancy as it progressed, so here it goes. This pregnancy has been a night and day difference from Maylea. I feel constant awe and gratitude regarding how healthy this boy is and how much better this pregnancy has been. I am so much more calm and peaceful. I know the peace comes in part from my little boy touching my soul. There’s a certain calmness that comes from the lack of late-night emergency runs, ER visits, and nights crying into my husband’s arms with fear that the baby will not make it. It's been a rather joyful pregnancy and I am so grateful for that.

But I feel the need to write, and so I do. Lately I have been trying to focus on weighing my worth on who I am rather than what I actually weigh. You know that small thing called creating a human?  Well it changes you and it with that comes a lot of change to your body and it sure is easy to get caught up in all those changes and negative thoughts that come with it.

I feel that pregnancy and motherhood are such gifts that we as women get to partake in. However, there are other forces will try to tear us down and make this beautiful thing something bleak, or negative. Through anxiety, comparison, feelings of inadequacy, just being plain tired, or our ever changing body, it’s easy to feel that we aren’t enough.

This is my Achilles heel. I wish it wasn't, I wish I didn't care, I wish that I was a better example to my daughter. I really wish I didn’t care about a silly number on a silly scale but the honest truth is- I do. Maybe I’m a little vain; I’ve probably been influenced by media and the barrage of what the world says should matter to us. Also, after the still birth, I really lost myself in so many ways. I lost a lot of ground that has been hard to win back. One large battle was over my body and I fear I will lose that battle all over again. I like to be healthy and feel fit and happy and right now, it’s easy to say because of the numbers, I am not.

But I want my daughter to love herself completely. I want her to never worry about her body image, to have a healthy mind and heart, and to realize and recognize what real beauty is.

In fact, I want that for myself as well. That is another reason for doing this whole project, to help me refocus and relearn what real beauty is. I think I’ve come far from where I was, I am understanding and internalizing what real beauty looks like and feels like. Right now though, I am just feeling vulnerable. However, I know that I am a daughter of God of infinite worth who is loved and stronger and more beautiful then she realizes or could even comprehend.

So today I take back what is mine: Joy. Ha ha! Take that Satan, or World, or whatever other source sending me lies trying to deceive me. You hear me? Take that.