Guest Blogger: Casandra Bergquist- a loss of self

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    As I look back to determine when my trial started, I realize that it wasn’t one particular thing that happened, but a chain of events. For a few years now I have struggled to find myself and be confident in who I am. It became prevalent soon after I got married. I had graduated from college 6 months prior and was taking care of my grandma, who needed constant care. My husband and I lived with her. I really enjoyed it—cooking, cleaning, and talking with my grandma, but I rarely left her for more than a few hours. It was also a hard time for me because my closest friends had either graduated, left on missions, gotten married, and/or left town. I started to make friends with my husband’s friends and their wives, but it just wasn’t the same.

     My biggest struggle with myself was with my husband’s family. He comes from a big family and I really struggled with where I fit it. In my family, it was just my sister and I, but we did a lot with our extended family. I knew what my role was in my family, but in his I did not know my place and was afraid to try because I didn’t want to step on anybody’s toes. It was frustrating to me because I wanted to be myself and have a better relationship with my in-laws, but it was hard to do so when we didn’t see them very often and shortly after being married we moved out of the country. While living in Australia I decided that when we were at my in-laws for Christmas I would try really hard to be myself and start building good relationships with them. We arrived back in the states a few days before Christmas and we confirmed that we were expecting a baby. We were so happy, but decided not to tell anyone just yet. Four days later I had a miscarriage. It was Christmas day and it was hard. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to cry and be alone. Again I failed to be myself that Christmas.

    Later down the road I was expecting again. We were living in the states, but had moved out of state for my husbands’ work. I was excited, but I still struggled with being myself. I had made some friends and was working on building up good relationships with them. After I had my baby, I was walking with one of them and she found out that I use to teach Zumba. She persuaded me to teach at the church and scheduled everything so I could do so. As I started teaching, I began to find myself and I found answers to my prayer.

    My life changed after college and I got married, and it continues to every day. I don’t blame my trial on getting married, moving, or anything else. All the change happened so fast and that it triggered a loss of self. My husband is my best friend and has helped me throughout this journey. I have learned that God is really there. My prayers didn’t get answered right away. It took a lot of effort on my part and it was hard, but I am so grateful for the growth I have been able to experience. I have begun to find myself again. It’s been a process, but through this process I have met some amazing, strong, beautiful women who have shown me their courage to keep going and who have become my support system. I can do hard things and lean on others and my Savior for help. Teaching Zumba to those around me has been the best thing for me at this time in my life. It has given me purpose and confidence to be myself.

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